Coming off the heels of Presidents' Day, I've been reading a whole bunch of fun articles about the personal quirks and physicality of the 43 men who have graced the Oval Office. Inspired, I've decided to create my own little list. Politics completely cast aside, here are the top 12 candidates I'd hang out with Friday night.
- US Grant - Our 18th President. "Unconditional Surrender." Got pulled over on a horse. All around badass. Won the Civil War. Totally corrupt administration. Whiskey Ring (right, like he didn't know about it).
- Lyndon Baines Johnson - 36th President of the good ol' US of A. The consummate Texan. Rumored to have a thing for cross-dressing. Advocate of women's rights. Had an amphibious car. Needed his pants to fit in the bunghole with roomier pockets for his knife.
- George W. Bush - Dubya, the 43rd. Spent, like, the first 40 years of his life goofing off drunk and then managed to become leader of the free world. Nowadays, he hangs out at baseball games to avoid getting arrested. Potential for all-around hilarity.
- Zachary Taylor - Number 12. His nickname was "Old Rough & Ready." Sounds like the sorta guy I'd want on my side in a bar fight, even if the nickname referred to the fact that he looked homeless most of the time. His relatives included James Madison, FDR and Robert E. Lee. Now that would be one hell of a family reunion. He might have been assassinated.
- Bill Clinton - Slick Willy. Number 42. His own wife, Hilldawg, refers to him as a Viking. Known to be quite the charmer, he managed to rehab his historical legacy despite having been impeached for illicit relations. Bubba is currently embracing veganism. Make that an order of soy legs and another round, please.
- Gerald Ford - Gerald, or should I say, Leslie, was our 38th Commander-in-Chief. This athletic frat boy was destined to either play professional football, or become president. Because of his simple and honest persona, he managed to snag the Oval Office (that, and Nixon & Agnew were lying bastards). He couldn't be killed despite TWO assassination attempts. Not to mention, Betty. For numbers 7-12, keep reading after the jump.
- Chester A. Arthur - Ah, Chet. Number 21. Dude liked fashion and fishing. His nickname was "Elegant Arthur." He appreciated only the finest things in life. Owned 80 pairs of pants. This jim dandy once said, "I may be President of the United States, but my private life is nobody's damned business." I wonder why.
- John F. Kennedy - Jack was young, handsome and from what I hear, pretty fun to be around. So what if he totally wasn't qualified to get into Harvard? His tragically short but charismatic reign as our 35th president cemented a highly favorable memory. Well, mostly favorable.
- James A. Garfield - Our 20th president had a sort of Joaquin Phoenix-esque look about him as a young frat brother of Delta Upsilon. His only executive order in office created Memorial Day, the unofficial start of summer at the nation's "Summer Capital," the Jersey Shore. Coincidentally, the Jersey Shore is also where Garfield spent his final days after being shot by an assassin in DC. Famous words, "A brave man is a man who dares to look the Devil in the face and tell him he is a Devil." If only he had been around to tell that to Sammi & Ronnie.
- Warren G. Harding - The OG, Warren G. Number 29. Spent his formative years as a newspaper man, playing poker with the boys most nights. Rumors surround his legacy including ties to the KKK, a penchant for bacchanalia, plus, a number of confirmed and unconfirmed extramarital affairs. What a solid dude. Not.
- Richard Nixon - Tricky Dick was 37th. Middle name, Milhous. Known to be an excellent actor and a card shark. First president to have visited all 50 states (seriously?). Highly suspicious. Named a very high Elvis an honorary DEA agent. Unfortunate choice of words, "I am not a crook."
- Woodrow Wilson - Number 28 usually came across as a bit dry. Hell, he passed the 18th Amendment creating Prohibition. But as Boardwalk Empire has taught us, Prohibition was a farce anyway. Mr. Princeton's hobbies included cars, bicycles, baseball and golf. So even though he wouldn't be caught dead dancing with a lampshade on his head, Wilson still knew how to kick it (sober).
Notably missing: the Founding Fathers.
Honorable mention: James Buchanan, the bachelor. Barack Obama, sordid past.